Pickles and Chips

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Better Than A Bolshevik Breakfast!

Well, Dear Leaders, today was a very big day for me and my friends. Much ado about Everything. I can't tell you all because my hooves don't type that fast -- I will go with the highlights. First off, as you can see from the attached BioPic, I got to get my photo taken with two of my best friends, Mark and Mary Aspen (Mimi Gabor). She likes me a lot, I know, since we communicate in Common Grunt Language. And she left me her second favorite nipple in the world on which I could chew if I were to choose (kudos to Mom's left one for coming in first!). But this is the first time that we got to "touch," and I think it freaked her a little bit. She thought I was smooth--most humans assume that, but in fact, for those of you who don't know anything about anything and nothing about nothing, I have a serene layer of fuzz that protects me from the human genome. How do you think I've lasted all this time? Cut to the chase, Peter!

OK, so on top of Mimi giving me the cutest Evils since Baby-faced Hugh Blaisdell, I got to spend the morning with Mr. Mark, one of my dearest old-people friends, and with Julia and Jason Dzubinski, Mimi's parents, who are somehow related to Mark (who cares about that).

It was Mr. Mark's birthday--and what a gasser! We wagged our hairy chins until it was time to shave again, and still we hadn't managed to nail anyone to the cross in anything you'd proudly call a fixed state. Lovely gifts were bestowed on the birthday boy, the breakfast being my favorite part, but as usual Mr. Mark hates recognition. Of course, he thinks it's, "almost always not deserving for being noticeably shy of sufficiency." Huge Yawn Goin' On Under My Snout!

No one ever knows what the H-word he's talking about, but it's kinda fun making him think we all do. Still, I think Markie Boy was impressed nonetheless with the Lox Omelet and the Unending Americano Coffee at Watson's. I know I was, since I fertilized half the gardens on Kerby Lane on my way back to my ride. It was a terrific get together in which everything but Obama's healthy plan was discussed (I'm not covered. Thanks, Nancy for leaving me out!). Mr. Mark needs to just shut up until next year. Thanks Dzubinskis for your wonderful Nov 7 treat! Now we can remember that day for more than the anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution (aka the "October Revolution." Russia--what a completely retarded country!). Love to all, PC

3 comments:

Jason and Julia DzubinskiNovember 8, 2009 at 4:46 PM
We're so glad you had a good time Peter. I wasn't sure because you were so cute for most of the meal. Mimi feels bad that she sort of "blew you off". She is still warming up animals in general...her experiences have included: a dog that licks her toes (ick!) and chickens that try to peck her legs off (eek!). All in good time! The two of you will have plenty of time to bond over Thanksgiving when all the adults go off to play touch football and go boating (Mimi figured pigs can't swim and you would stay ashore with her, is this true??).
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Jason and Julia DzubinskiNovember 8, 2009 at 4:47 PM
Ok for some reason I wrote "so cute for most of the meal" and meant to say "so quiet". I guess your adorable looks took over my brain for a second.
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Peter CornichonNovember 18, 2009 at 6:01 PM
Thanks for your concern, Dearest Julia, regarding my aquatic skills. Actually, I am considered a pretty good swimmer. I just don't go in above my leggies. I revel in the mud pond best of all if that can be considered part of the swim activity, but my favorite swim of all is the bathtub crawl. Gurgle that! And whenever I go boating -- I learned this on the Seine -- I take a plastic float that looks a lot like what you call a "baggie" and wrap it around my bulbous torso. It helps me with my body surfing on the big waves and the boat wakes. Wow, I love the waves! Cheerio! PC
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Reader Advisory

"Why is my pig being aggressive and charging at friends and/or family members but not me?"

Pigs are like people: they hate to share anything that they think is rightfully theirs – in this case, their “masters.” They see your family and friends as parasites and pretenders. Pigs naturally think there won’t be enough of anything to go around, but especially food and affection.

Be careful not to pet your family or friends around your pig. Don’t even touch them if you can avoid intimate contact.
As for food and intimacy, you may have noticed that pigs can’t stand taking food, or drink for that matter, from the hands of folks with upscale zip codes. How do they know where you live? Pigs have an amazing sense of smell--we know that much. But alas, they can detect and instantly analyze zip codes. They use all kinds of give-aways such as the stink of L'Occitane soaps, car seat leather, pool chlorine, Whole Foods produce, etc. – things we are oblivious to unless you happen to have been a minority at some point in your life.

Solutions. If your pig becomes pushy with friends or family, quickly -- very quickly -- try to change its diet. Throw a hot dog at it if it's eating your shoe, for example. If the pig is eating your new shoe, extract it forcefully and replace it with something that will distract, such as a visiting child’s stuffed animal. Or feed it a small dog that has become too annoying.

Pigs do not like the smell of other people’s pets at all, so think about washing down your guests with a hose. This will immediately curb a pig's pushy ways and raise the interest of jealous neighbors who haven't been invited to the party. I say “think about” it because Ms. Pig (for some reason this is a gender-based trait) seems to be attracted at first...and only after a bit, oddly repulsed by the up-close odor of wet clothes. In these instances, she will issue what is thought to be "the bitch bite of vengeance." (Not my words, Ladies!)

An extreme but frequently invoked option, which you should strongly consider if your pig is a crazed biter, is to consider the idea of making some new friends and asking your family to move.

That’s what I did and I haven’t looked back. Good luck with the training!

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"What is the primary function of the testes and ovaries? in pigs?"

Wow, I know: this is a very "in your face" kind of question. But it's straight from the World Wide Web, so it's out there and it needs to be addressed. (See http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080225142758AA5N3v0 for a completely useless exchange on the matter.) Dear Reader: don't put down abject ignorance too quickly as irredeemable, like some damn outdated coupon for Maxipads. And don't for a minute pretend that you, HB, haven't wondered the very same thing about my Kin. Unless you were bought up on a farm, lived in a rural Irish household, or had at least one pig for a parent, you really don't know the answer to this question. I urge you not to be priggish in looking down on those who have the courage to examine their forfront. Or is it forefront? I always fuck up that prefix when I start thinking about gonads.

Here's the kicker in this question. The so-called "primary function" presupposes other layers of satisfaction and delight, and if you made that guess from your own private je ne sais quoi, Dear Leader, then welcome to Peter's Fun Farm. It will sorta shock some HBs that Pigs do not consider sex to be the primary use of their Testes or their VJJs (I actually have no idea where those cute little Ovaries live but I assume it is within the Great Vaginal Sanctum Somewhere--let's go with that rough approximation for the moment.)

Pigs go into heat like other regular mammals (except human beans!), during which time their Testes (or whatever) become engorged and seek out their primary mission objective. But don't confuse a seasonal eruption of joy with the everyday wonderfulness that comes from being able to embrace one's Testes in the daily cleaning ritual (DCR) that brings excitement not only to Testes, but also to Tongue. And to Cheek as well, come to think of it! I'd say that DCR is probably the primary function, since it happens daily. Often, I apply Tongue to Testes in DCR a couple of time a day. Yeah.

And then the secondary use of Testes is, of course, to structurally support the penile instrument as it engages in the act of "the great outpouring," otherwise known as the daily urinal bladder release (DUBR). There's so much in that ritual that just isn't worth talking about to the dainty HB. What would the fragile HB Pot Pee-ers know about the exhilaration of throwing one's water against the wind at will? (I wish to note here that most HBs use their unsanitary hand to manipulate their penile instrument into the "aim" position before throwing their release into the potty. Not so, for the average pig, who thrillingly pees all over the place.) It is not incidental that the DUBR goes on several times an hour for the average Pig. It's release, upon release, upon release. Oh my God, just talking about it gets me kinda wet. But it would be all "amiss" were it not for the flanking position of the Testes -- holding the penile instrument aloft as it throws forth its offering. For me, DUBR is sometimes the only thing I can check off under “accomplishments”once the desk is cleared at the end of the day. Without the Testes, it would be flopping around between my hindlegs, making mischief with my thighs and getting all chafed and chapped!

Back then to the question at hand. The tertiary -- not the primary, mind you -- purpose of the porcinal Testes is to “hang out” until they are called upon -- that is, to boldly engage in "getting off," as you HBs put it vulgarly, and in the process to bring forth new life in this Deity-forsaken (or is it foresaken?) world.

Is it fun to “get off” as a pig, you wonder? Yes, of course! But remember this: we have found more ways to have fun with our Testes and Ovaries than just sex!

As for Pig Ovaries and their function, and their function specifically, I haven't a solid clue. My best guess-- speaking only from context -- is that they are part of the same fun you find in the DCR, and they also help hold up the female pig's DUBR--by staying the hell out of the way if nothing else. And I'm pretty sure they have something to do with making sure there are enough little piglets around for everyone to enjoy. God bless the Ovaries, wherever they live.

I hope this little excursion into the facts of life, or the "the birds and the pigs" as we endearingly say, has been helpful to Our Dear Readers as it has been, no doubt, for that stupid woman who asked the question at the outset as she mindlessly browsed her way onto the World Wide What. -- PC

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(This question came in from http://askville.amazon.com/pigs/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=9827867)

"Dad told me how to pick up a baby pig to hold it. I loved holding them after they were born. The mothers get very upset if they hear their babies squeal. So what you do is pick them up by the legs (when the mother isn't looking). They never squeal when you do this. Tell me, what else upsets mother pig and how can I mitigate that hideous squealing?"

Mother pigs are a touchy lot. Unlike the human variety, they actually squeal louder than the piglette. They are known to put everybody in a real funk if they get going on a good squeal over some unintended fondling of their little ones. Here are a few things that you should consider when conditions are ripe:

1. You can try sticking piggie with a sharp object, but again, only when mother is not watching.
2. Hold the pig upside down when it pees, but only do this while Mom is having her own whiz.
3. Go bowling with the little piggie on Tuesday nights, which is Mom's Night Out. Don't be tempted to roll Piggie down the alley. You'll risk floor burns. Mom has a sharp nose for floor burns. Ear piercing squeal will last until Friday--at least.
4. Don't be afraid to pick up the little Teacup and rub its belly after you've hit Mom over the head with a heavy shoe. This might take a couple of whacks.
5. Send Mom off for a mani-pedi on any Saturday morning, and its' time for a little on the gridiron action with our favorite pigskin.
6. Take Piggie out for a day at Six Flags after you've fed Mom a trough full of valium. Poor thing, she really needs it.
7. Right after birth, you can shock Momma Pig into silence by eating her afterbirth. She won't even notice that you are holding her little piggie.
8. Take all your cloths off and lie down next to Momma Pig. After a while she will let little Piggie run all over you in the false notion that you are a related species. Try not to get aroused as this will be "too real" and cause a different kind of squealing.
9. Chase Mom off with a broom. It doesn't hurt. Just get her to run away. Next county. Then you can keep the little piggie all to yourself, you jerk.
10. You can always just leave the damn Pig and its baby alone. That should stop Mom from squealing. Jerk.

Pickles and Chips

Saturday, November 7, 2009

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